life is like a box of SOMETHING

Slightly Superficial Reasons to Root for Either Side: Texans @ Colts

I give you the post that would have gone up this morning if I'd had an internet connection:

Slightly superficial reasons to root for either side:

Yay Colts!
Remember those funny Manning commercials? Well the Indianapolis Colts' quarterback is big bro Peyton, who is famous for changing plays on the fly depending on the formation he sees his opponents' taking. Before each snap of the ball, he often calls an audible, a string of code words only his teammates understand as instructions for the new play. (Well illustrated by Ben Stiller shouting, "Fried chicken on the backside!") A Colts game moves super fast, with no huddles, just snap, pass, snap, pass, snap, run, touchdown. And there's a lot of yelling. In the back of my mind, I'm always thinking "Sheesh WHO is doing all that annoying yelling?" It's all Peyton. Guess whose picture is under the entry for "audible" in the Encyclopedia? You got it.

Go Texans!
Even big man Peyton might have trouble when all his starting receivers are out with injuries. This week, NFL.com was asking the interesting question: Can Manning put together a successful offense with any five guys off the street? Meanwhile, the Houston Texans are "coming off a bye," which is like a mid-season mini vacation. They didn't have to play a game last week, so they're well-rested. And they've got all their starting players in the game, including the two who were recently suspended for taking "unapproved supplements" (otherwise known as the old Whoops you mean those weren't vitamins, they were fertility drugs?)

Why I'm rooting for Indianapolis
I don't know much about the Houston Texans except they're a relatively new team and, according to the Encyclopedia, they were very nearly the Houston Wildcatters?? So that's weird. Plus the Colts haven't lost a home MNF game in 10 years, longer than the Texans have been in existence. And statistics say Colts' Dwight Freeney is better at sacking Houston's quarterbacks than he is any other team in the NFL. And I love me a good quarterback sack.

UPDATE:
I called it! Quarterback sacks aplenty. Check out this one caught on film.

NFL.com

Like lions taking down a gazelle. Complete with helmet flying off and arm reaching into the picture to take the ball away. Not for you.

Slightly Superficial Reasons to Root for Either Side: Giants @ Cowboys

Yep, I lost the piece of paper where I wrote down my Gameday Jargon for today. So instead, we get...

Slightly Superficial Reasons to Root for Either Side:

Do you have a bucket list? What was the first thing you put on there, the thing that made you start the list? Mine was to attend a game at every team's stadium in the NFL. It's a hefty aim: if I start now and do one a year, I will be 67 years old when I finish.

Go Cowboys!

If you are not yet convinced of the sweet-assness of this bucket list item of mine, then you've got to check out Cowboys Stadium where tonight's MNF game is going down. Brand spanking new, fourth largest in the league, with a retractable dome roof and the largest HD screen in the world, it's almost enough to convince you to be a Cowboys fan. Add to that quarterback Tony Romo who dated both Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson? No wonder the Dallas Cowboys are called "America's Team." But wait, the Cowboys are 1-4 this season. That's "one and four," meaning they've only won one game. Jeez, you're thinking, I didn't know America's Team sucked so bad.

Yay Giants!
Well, don't worry. There are reasons to root for the New York Giants that don't involve pop star ex-girlfriends or a 180-foot tv screen named Jerry-Tron. If you're a sucker for quarterbacks, check out the Giants' Eli Manning of the Manning Dynasty. He's got a quarterback dad Archie and a quarterback brother Peyton and the three of them make funny, heartwarming commercials together. Also, the last time Eli was in Cowboys Stadium, he won the first game ever played there and wrote as much on the wall of the brand new visitors' locker room. Think that's cocky? Just wait until you see the Giants' defense at work. An unstoppable sacking force, they're breaking records and breaking quarterbacks.

If you're not sure what sacking the quarterback means, just imagine you are this quarterback.

You are looking for a receiver to throw the ball to, and that's why you don't see the 6'5" 250+ lb man flying through the air behind you.

You can imagine what happens next. That is a quarterback sack.

An opportunity for progress

I have got to stop making this same stupid face every time someone pulls out a camera.

Got. To. Stop.

It's not kooky, it's not fun. What it says is, Uh... holy crap I don't know what to do. Here's my impression of a spastic chipmunk with lockjaw.

What's your camera face?
Are you happy when you see it in pictures?
How can you change it?

I'm going to try to make this one more:

It's related, but with more Elvis.

Gameday Jargon Day! Titans @ Jaguars

It's Monday night again and this time you're watching Tennessee and Jacksonville, the two teams in the NFL that hold the distinction of being the least known by me. Let's see what the Encyclopedia has to say about this! FACT TIME!*

Tennessee Titans:
Fact #1: used to be the Houston Oilers.
Fact #2: figured in one of the most thrilling finishes in Super Bowl history. And lost.
Fact #3: Quarterback "Vince Young is a bright, young NFL star."

Jacksonville Jaguars:
Fact #4: one of the newest teams in the NFL.
Fact #5: never won a Super Bowl.
Fact #6: I always confuse them with the Panthers.

Enough trivia. You came here for JARGON! Well, if you see a guy successfully outrunning everyone else, just remark on his lateral agility. I busted this one out at a football party Saturday night and got me some sports expert cred points. Try it out for yourself.

I would have come up with more phrases for you, but I was too busy being weirded out by pitcher Brian Wilson's Incredible Plastic Pirate Beard and its limitless power to transform him from hot guy into Saturday morning cartoon villain.

*(Facts 1-5 from The Child's World Encyclopedia of the NFL, copyright 2008)

Gameday Jargon Day! Vikings @ Jets

It's Monday night, and the Minnesota Vikings are facing off against the New York Jets in the Jets' home stadium. The good news for you this week is that this matchup is rife with enough scandal that you can set the jargon aside and just throw out some salacious conversation starters. Follow my lead.

You see: Randy Moss catches a pass and runs it into the endzone for a touchdown.
You say: Man, it's good to see Moss in purple again.
Just last Wednesday, Randy Moss was traded back to the Vikings, for whom he'd played the first seven years of his career. Moss is a big name... a high profile trade like this is near unheard of midseason.

You see: Braylon Edwards catches a pass and runs it into the endzone for a touchdown.
You say: Man, I don't know what Edwards was thinking driving drunk... or growing that beard.
Edwards was recently arrested on a drunk driving charge. And his beard is slightly outrageous.

You see: Brett Favre throws an interception.
You say: Man, I can't believe Favre isn't retired yet. Or that he sent pictures of his penis to that Jets reporter. How ironic, seeing as he's playing the Jets tonight. Huh, I wonder what it takes for Favre to get suspended? Maybe if he sent pictures of Braylon Edwards' beard?

No need to avoid follow-up questions... they're bound to be really fun.

It's on like Billabong

Ugh. I had a fancy tutorial picked out to try in Inkscape, but I couldn't get past step one. Lame.

You know what's also lame? This thing I just made with Picnik instead for my Draw One Thing.

At least the dog is cute.

I think it's going to catch on like Billabong.

Etiquette and barbiturates

That's what the fifties makes me think of. And what makes me think of the fifties? This rad new graphic I made!

Sunburst effect thanks to the same handy tutorial, image is from the Wikimedia Commons, and font is Halo Handletter.

Gameday Jargon Day! Patriots @ Dolphins

It's Monday night again and this time you don't want to let on that you're only watching the game to see Tom Brady of dual-model-impregnating, wet-T-shirt-wearing and baby-goat-holding Stetson ad fame. Well here's just the football phrasebook you'll need tonight to blend in with the fanatics.

You see: Miami seems to be scoring all the points, while New England can't seem to get anywhere.

You say: "Man, Miami is dominating both sides of the ball!"

Meaning Miami is excelling both at offense (moving the ball and scoring) and defense (preventing their opponent from moving the ball or scoring).

You see: Tom Brady appears unhurried and makes an excellent pass.

You say: "When you give him that kind of time in the pocket, that's what Tom Brady can do."

The pocket is the space around a quarterback that gives him the room and time he needs to pass the ball to a receiver... as long as his players are doing a good job of protecting him from getting sacked.

You see: Ronnie Brown runs the ball right through the Patriots' defense.

You say: "I don't know, seems like the Patriots' 3-4 defense would make for more flexibility in the blitz package."

I'm not quite sure what this means, but doesn't it sound AWESOME?

As always, head off pesky follow-up questions and comments with offers of more guacamole dip.

(P.S. Don't forget to always pronounce "defense" as "DEE-fence.")

Now I just need something to announce

I had some difficulties with Inkscape late last night and missed another Draw One Thing day in favor of getting to sleep before 1 am. The lesson I have learned is NOT in fact--as I initially thought--to loathe Inkscape and lust after a shiny new Illustrator/Photoshop package, but to start my drawing earlier in the evening... and to save more often.

The reason for my positivity about Inkscape despite its crashing whenever I ask it to perform complex tasks like changing the fill color of an object? LOOK AT THE COOL SHIZ I JUST MADE TONIGHT.

Thanks, Inkscape. And thanks Jacob at GrimeGraphics for the sunburst tutorial, which I followed to make this reverse sunburst to imitate an effect I saw in one of those insurance commercials featuring the president guy from 24.

wuv u birdie

Welp, I missed a day of Draw One Thing last night. My first (and only) missed day. To make it up to you, here's a cute birdie.

I dreamed this little guy almost just like that yesterday. Must be the special rapport that Annapants' birds and I have had ever since I watched them while she was across the country.

Give me bacon or give me death

This post may be better viewed here.

What freaks me out the most is how REAL that bacon looks. It looks more real than any real bacon I've ever eaten. It makes me want to stick bacon to my screen to see if I can make it look as real.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you didn't click the link that I told you to click. You have only yourself to blame.

I really don't feel like drawing anything. Can the bacon count for my one thing? It is a visual that I produced on my blog. Please? I really don't want to be awake for another 30 minutes.

Well I just stared at my computer screen for 6 minutes thinking about how I don't want to draw for 30 minutes. I don't even know what I would draw.

I have all sorts of interesting things to say about football, but my friends tonight admitted to me that they skip all the football-related things on my blog. They had even missed some actual jokes because they had skipped over the football stuff that surrounded the funny stuff. When I asked what I should do, they said, "I really just want more drawings."

Ugh. Those ugly things?

This is how that makes me feel. Like my eyes are a glazed-over pair of Spanish olives or outward-pointing breasts.

I'm just glad I found this leftover scribble lying around in my files so I don't have to draw. And I must have been tired when I drew it because instead of "scribble" I named the file "scrobble."

Scrobble it is. There, that's about 30 minutes.

speaking of fish with hats

I was just checking out the upcoming Steelheads season schedule and noticed something that made me realize lackluster design is not exclusive to libraries. Working in a library, I start thinking we corner the market on ugly signs and clipart logos. But no. Check out the Victoria Salmon Kings. Their team logo (in use since 2006) looks to be a clipart crown atop the head of a clipart fish. Someone opened Microsoft Word and keyword searched "salmon" and "king" and this is the resulting love match.

That's not a logo, it's a rebus of their name. Now that we've strayed into this alternate rebus-logo universe, let's see what the Steelheads look like.

Aside from the awesomeness of a cyborg made of rebar and a floating head, this is no bueno.

Let's step it up, minor league hotties! Your logo should look as good as your players! Speaking of, I was once lucky enough to be waiting at the gate at the Boise Airport when the entirety of the Stockton Thunder came through in black polos and slacks, black duffel bags and black beards. How do I score a ride on THAT bus?

I'd draw their rebus-universe logo, but there's no clipart for high crime rates and the sound that accompanies lightning.

That was my One Thing for today, by the way. If the Salmon Kings can get away with it, so can I. Clipart rules.

Fan-tastic day

I had a record-breaking fantastic day! If only I could say the same of my Green Bay Packers, who broke more of the wrong kinds of records, like number of penalties in a single game (17, the most for Green Bay in 35 years).

But it was a fantastic game. Nothing beats watching Aaron Rodgers complete 34 out of 45 passes and even run the ball in for a touchdown himself for the second time in as many weeks. Watching with my family, even my college-ball-fan parents were beginning to be drawn in by his superstar skill and doe eyes. Ok maybe I'm the one falling for the doe eyes. I generally prefer being impartial as it frees me up to truly enjoy the feats of athleticism and lucky breaks as they happen, but it's nice to have a stake in a game now and then.

Other things of note:

• I'm still learning expressions like "double coverage"... is that what Rodgers was throwing into when he went deep with an endzone pass where there were so many guys in red and blue jostling for it, it looked like the bouquet toss at a wedding?
• I wish we had a Devin Hester of our own to get our punt returns past the 20-yard line more often.
• Julius Peppers was like a slippery little 6-foot-7 Penalty Fairy, causing holding calls and instigating false starts like crazy. Also, Julius Peppers may be the best name ever.
• I love crazy man Clay Matthews, who looks like Thor and moves like the unholy lovechild of a rogue windmill and a caffeinated spider monkey.

Oh yeah. How could I almost forget my Draw One Thing?

Dear Draw One assignment: Today I practiced my hearts, flowers, butterflies and scrollwork, made it look like a teenage cheerleader's daydream threw up all over a favorite star athlete of mine, and made just a little bit of scary music play in your head.

Fantastic.

Gameday Jargon Day! Packers @ Bears

It's Monday night, the big game is on, everyone around you is whooping it up and jawing about "touchbacks" and "safeties" and "turnovers" and, dammit, you want to be part of the conversation too! Well here is your emergency pack of handy football phrases and when to use them!

You see: Aaron Rodgers completes a pass.
You say: "Aaron Rodgers, man. Talk about chemistry."
I heard an actual announcer say this in a game! If surrounded by Bears fans, use instead for Jay Cutler.

You see: The Bears tackle the Packers' ball carrier.
You say:  "Not in MY house!"
Since they're playing in Chicago, the Bears are the team defending their "home."

You see: The team you don't like is successfully moving the ball down the field.
You say: "Man, we could use a pick six about now."
A "pick" is an interception, when the ball is "picked off" or intercepted by a player on the team that doesn't have the ball right now (your team). A "pick six" is when (your team's) player makes the interception even cooler by running with it to the end zone for a touchdown, worth six points.

As always, if your handy phrase is too successful and you find yourself in a conversation that's over your head, quickly divert with the customary, "I think I'm going to get myself another beer... you want one?"

Some reasons fans are excited about THIS game:

• Green Bay and Chicago are both 2-0 ("two and oh") so far this season, meaning they've won two games and lost zero. They are HOT!
• The Bears-Packers rivalry is the oldest in the NFL. (Neither Google nor the Encyclopedia could tell me why, so maybe try asking a die-hard fan?) Since they are in the same division (NFC North) they'll play each other twice each year and both times it's a BIG DEAL.

Enjoy!

The Pants has returned!

Anna-Pants, the Little of Big Spoon, Little Spoon, has returned from her visit with Big back east! Lindsay and I picked her up at the airport tonight, where Lindsay pointed out that the wild salmon sculptures would be much better if they were wearing little top hats. As much as I wish I could say I had prepared salmon with hats as my Draw One Thing tonight, I have been catching up with the Pants and it is now late. You instead get a drawing I did of her weeks ago and never showed the world (because it is unfinished, as she appears to be naked).

Lazy scribbles

Somehow a wild flock of geese banging around on my roof at 5 am this morning made me dream that I drew some actual "lazy scribbles" on my blog. As in scribbles that are inherently lazy. It was a little like this:

Look at that scribble! So lazy! He is sleeping and a little drool is coming out of his mouth. This is how I picture my friend Hot Lunch at work.

Look at this jerk! He's so lazy, he's leaving his shopping cart in the parking lot where it could collide with a fellow shopper's vehicle while he gets in his unscathed minivan to drive his groceries home.

Don't even get me started on this scribble. He's playing Farmville at work. And that is definitely the worst computer screen anyone has ever drawn. It's just a gray rectangle. So lazy.

And THIS guy!

...Never mind about this guy. I'm not sure what his problem is.

If it's not in my NFL Encyclopedia then it doesn't exist: College Football

ESPN's College GameDay was in my town today!

I would have been even more excited about this if I had known what College GameDay was before just last night. Even after googling it, I still wasn't quite sure. But I watched a bit today and turns out it's a tv show.

Did you watch College GameDay? Did you see me in the stands in the background? No, that wasn't me, because I was in bed asleep at 3 am instead of lined up outside the stadium gates hoping to get a spot somewhere above Lee Corso's left ear.

I did join in watching the game, though, because I love my dad and he is as crazy about college ball as I am about the NFL. But watching college football is like watching The Little Mermaid with the audio set to Spanish: I know what I'm looking at, but I keep hearing totally different rules. No me gusta.

Ostrich: Sands of Time

Just saw Prince of Persia: Sands of Time tonight and my favorite thing in the whole movie was the ostrich. My favorite thing WOULD have been Jake Gyllenhaal if he had taken his shirt off more (or AT ALL), but since he didn’t, the ostrich gets #1. The ostrich had its shirt off the ENTIRE TIME. It doesn’t have anti-shirtless pretentions rooted in its early indy cred and Donnie Darko. It doesn’t rely on dreamily batting the ridiculous lashes of its moony gorgeous eyes. Although it could. It COULD.

Draw One Thing

This is the challenge I decided to give myself today. Draw one thing every day. Doesn’t matter what. Good, bad, ugly, wall-eyed (my favorite drawings are wall-eyed), just draw it and post it here. The only rules are: spend at least 30 minutes on it and put finishing touches such as a background and drop shadows when appropriate (and I always think drop shadows are appropriate) so that it’s more than just a lazy scribble. This way I hope I’ll get more dedicated to my art, get into a habit of creation rather than waiting on inspiration, and start to develop a cohesive style. So without further ado…

It is ON.

Setbacks and alka-seltzer

Yet another handy life lesson I would like to learn:

How to know what is too much... BEFORE I eat it.

Mondays are sacred

I do not plan ahead. This is a place I am trying to make forward progress in my life, with little success. Case in point: Week One of My Highly Anticipated NFL Season is precisely the week I realized that I work Monday nights. This realization did not come, for instance, ALL SUMMER LONG when I've been saying MAN I CAN'T WAIT FOR FOOTBALL TO START SO I CAN WATCH IT ON MONDAY NIGHTS. I'm sure I even said that on a Monday night while swinging my feet happily, sitting in my chair at my desk AT WORK. And I'm sure I did it more than once.

But tonight is the last MNF I must miss because I changed my schedule. This is a sacrifice for me because I LOVE my Monday mornings. Not working until noon on Monday seems to expand the weekend exponentially. Tuesday mornings off just aren't as sweet. But Tuesday's what I've got now. This also means I can no longer attend my work's Tuesday morning wellness exercise class. Sacrificing my athleticism for the pros'? If wearing distracting t-shirts, letting out silent farts and wishing I were still in bed counts as athleticism, then yes I am sacrificing my Tuesday morning wellness athleticism. It's all for you, NFL.