Gameday Jargon Day! Patriots @ Dolphins

It's Monday night again and this time you don't want to let on that you're only watching the game to see Tom Brady of dual-model-impregnating, wet-T-shirt-wearing and baby-goat-holding Stetson ad fame. Well here's just the football phrasebook you'll need tonight to blend in with the fanatics.

You see: Miami seems to be scoring all the points, while New England can't seem to get anywhere.

You say: "Man, Miami is dominating both sides of the ball!"

Meaning Miami is excelling both at offense (moving the ball and scoring) and defense (preventing their opponent from moving the ball or scoring).

You see: Tom Brady appears unhurried and makes an excellent pass.

You say: "When you give him that kind of time in the pocket, that's what Tom Brady can do."

The pocket is the space around a quarterback that gives him the room and time he needs to pass the ball to a receiver... as long as his players are doing a good job of protecting him from getting sacked.

You see: Ronnie Brown runs the ball right through the Patriots' defense.

You say: "I don't know, seems like the Patriots' 3-4 defense would make for more flexibility in the blitz package."

I'm not quite sure what this means, but doesn't it sound AWESOME?

As always, head off pesky follow-up questions and comments with offers of more guacamole dip.

(P.S. Don't forget to always pronounce "defense" as "DEE-fence.")

Fan-tastic day

I had a record-breaking fantastic day! If only I could say the same of my Green Bay Packers, who broke more of the wrong kinds of records, like number of penalties in a single game (17, the most for Green Bay in 35 years).

But it was a fantastic game. Nothing beats watching Aaron Rodgers complete 34 out of 45 passes and even run the ball in for a touchdown himself for the second time in as many weeks. Watching with my family, even my college-ball-fan parents were beginning to be drawn in by his superstar skill and doe eyes. Ok maybe I'm the one falling for the doe eyes. I generally prefer being impartial as it frees me up to truly enjoy the feats of athleticism and lucky breaks as they happen, but it's nice to have a stake in a game now and then.

Other things of note:

• I'm still learning expressions like "double coverage"... is that what Rodgers was throwing into when he went deep with an endzone pass where there were so many guys in red and blue jostling for it, it looked like the bouquet toss at a wedding?
• I wish we had a Devin Hester of our own to get our punt returns past the 20-yard line more often.
• Julius Peppers was like a slippery little 6-foot-7 Penalty Fairy, causing holding calls and instigating false starts like crazy. Also, Julius Peppers may be the best name ever.
• I love crazy man Clay Matthews, who looks like Thor and moves like the unholy lovechild of a rogue windmill and a caffeinated spider monkey.

Oh yeah. How could I almost forget my Draw One Thing?

Dear Draw One assignment: Today I practiced my hearts, flowers, butterflies and scrollwork, made it look like a teenage cheerleader's daydream threw up all over a favorite star athlete of mine, and made just a little bit of scary music play in your head.

Fantastic.

Gameday Jargon Day! Packers @ Bears

It's Monday night, the big game is on, everyone around you is whooping it up and jawing about "touchbacks" and "safeties" and "turnovers" and, dammit, you want to be part of the conversation too! Well here is your emergency pack of handy football phrases and when to use them!

You see: Aaron Rodgers completes a pass.
You say: "Aaron Rodgers, man. Talk about chemistry."
I heard an actual announcer say this in a game! If surrounded by Bears fans, use instead for Jay Cutler.

You see: The Bears tackle the Packers' ball carrier.
You say:  "Not in MY house!"
Since they're playing in Chicago, the Bears are the team defending their "home."

You see: The team you don't like is successfully moving the ball down the field.
You say: "Man, we could use a pick six about now."
A "pick" is an interception, when the ball is "picked off" or intercepted by a player on the team that doesn't have the ball right now (your team). A "pick six" is when (your team's) player makes the interception even cooler by running with it to the end zone for a touchdown, worth six points.

As always, if your handy phrase is too successful and you find yourself in a conversation that's over your head, quickly divert with the customary, "I think I'm going to get myself another beer... you want one?"

Some reasons fans are excited about THIS game:

• Green Bay and Chicago are both 2-0 ("two and oh") so far this season, meaning they've won two games and lost zero. They are HOT!
• The Bears-Packers rivalry is the oldest in the NFL. (Neither Google nor the Encyclopedia could tell me why, so maybe try asking a die-hard fan?) Since they are in the same division (NFC North) they'll play each other twice each year and both times it's a BIG DEAL.

Enjoy!

Mondays are sacred

I do not plan ahead. This is a place I am trying to make forward progress in my life, with little success. Case in point: Week One of My Highly Anticipated NFL Season is precisely the week I realized that I work Monday nights. This realization did not come, for instance, ALL SUMMER LONG when I've been saying MAN I CAN'T WAIT FOR FOOTBALL TO START SO I CAN WATCH IT ON MONDAY NIGHTS. I'm sure I even said that on a Monday night while swinging my feet happily, sitting in my chair at my desk AT WORK. And I'm sure I did it more than once.

But tonight is the last MNF I must miss because I changed my schedule. This is a sacrifice for me because I LOVE my Monday mornings. Not working until noon on Monday seems to expand the weekend exponentially. Tuesday mornings off just aren't as sweet. But Tuesday's what I've got now. This also means I can no longer attend my work's Tuesday morning wellness exercise class. Sacrificing my athleticism for the pros'? If wearing distracting t-shirts, letting out silent farts and wishing I were still in bed counts as athleticism, then yes I am sacrificing my Tuesday morning wellness athleticism. It's all for you, NFL.