Stop freaking out… and please don’t poop in here.

Well, be careful what you wish for. A mere week into my new obsession and I have a new pet. Sadly, it is not a Boston Terrier.

It’s our old family cat Mei-Mei whose habit of terrorizing my parents’ other cat and leaving angry vengeful turds everywhere almost got her euthanized but somehow landed her in the lap of luxury at my mini mansion instead. It is because I am weak.

And I am running my dishwasher tonight for the first time since her arrival a few days ago. So as I slipped under the covers these are the words I just found myself saying to the cat staring wild-eyed at the bedroom door and gripping the foot of my bed like one would the steering wheel of a car going over a cliff: “Mei-mei, stop freaking out… and please don’t poop in here.”

Cats are dumb. And they are pitiless pooping machines. If you cross them, they will get you back with their poop. End of story.

BLAME TRON

i have a new craze.

ever since a year ago when i got a shiny new apartment all to myself and no one else, i have vehemently sworn off pets or roommates or plants or anything that depends on me and fucks up my shit. for the first time in my life, i had nice new things that had never been peed on or chewed up and i liked it. yes friends, i swore off pets FOREVER.

well, turns out FOREVER is about 14 months, because i find myself increasingly and disturbingly preoccupied with thoughts of anything with fur, feathers or soulful eyes. when no one is looking at work, i have long conversations in baby talk with Queenie the guinea pig. my friends Lindsay and David recently got into chicken husbandry so naturally this Saturday night where else was I but in the new coop hugging Medusa and Tater Tot. when I could catch them that is. chickens weren't really built for hugging and they seem to know it.

but as of today, my pet-love has finally found a more suitable target. and GET READY FOR THIS i have switched teams. YES this lifelong cat lover is wistfully fantasizing about dogs. specifically THIS DOG

yes, i'm one of those people getting a dog based on its appearance in a movie. the new(ish) TRON LEGACY featured--in addition to glacial pacing, gobs of eye makeup, and not one but TWO cg Jeff Bridges--a ridiculously adorable rescue dog named Marvin.

I AM IN LOVE

some researching online and i discover that Boston Terriers are not only dead sexy stylish with pop-art ready good looks, but also enormously popular due to being sweet, patient, cuddly, super smart, easily trained, good with kids, good with other animals AND quiet enough for apartment life.

LOVE!

and, since i'm having major technical difficulties getting my new blog off the ground (yes ANOTHER one, but it is so cool you will forget all about this one as soon as i figure out how to get it into the internet), i have nothing better to blog than ONE BOSTON TERRIER VIDEO A DAY.

this should keep me busy for a while. there are a lot of cute boston terrier videos on YouTube. I should know. I've been watching them ALL DAY.

Video #1: Boston Terriers have big heads and tiny butts. (trivia: this is why the puppies often must be delivered by cesarean. yeouch!)

enjoy!

I shouldn't meet people I admire because it doesn't turn out well

A few weeks ago, I got to see one of my favorite groups live: Electric Six. Afterwards, my friends managed to get Dick Valentine to take a picture with us. I got to be the one with my arm around Dick Valentine! He was really sweaty and I think tired because in the first picture his eyes were wonky and half closed. Our picture-taking friend gave him shit about his wonky eye so the next picture came out with him looking extremely astonished. This was either his attempt to have open eyes or his reaction to me stroking his back while we posed. I was just savoring the moment. And I was too tongue-tied to even offer a simple, "Great show, thanks," in exchange. Now in Dick Valentine's world I am forever the ungrateful creepy silent back-rubber.

Tonight I got to see Starfucker, which really is amazing music to experience live. It completely surrounds you and fills up your senses. I think the show was a bit frustrating for the group due to some sound issues, and so when I came face to face with a sweaty, tired, but still smiling Ryan Biornstad over the merch table, again a nice, "Great show, thanks so much," would have been well placed. Instead I stared. Gripping handfuls of cash. Here's the conversation that finally got going:

Ryan: (after a pause) "Hi, how are you?"
Me: "Good, thanks!...(pause) You?"
Ryan: "Good."
Me: (long pause) "Can I have the large of the cat one, please?"

My coworker (who is the super serious Starfucker fan and the one who told me about the show and maybe later regretted telling me about the show) stepped up and offered a gracious thank you while the ungrateful creepy staring money-clutcher paid for her shirt. And stared some more.

Proximity to greatness should inspire us and give us something to aim for. But instead I get paralysis of the brain and revert to my primal cavewoman ancestry.

But at least I have a sweet-ass cat shirt. And I gave Dick Valentine a back rub.

little update, big pie

I am baking pie, doing this awesome craft, and listening to Starfucker, getting excited for their concert at the Neurolux tomorrow night.

I found the pie in my freezer when I got home from work tonight. I think it's the last whole food left in my kitchen. Once the pie is gone, it's just raisins and peanut butter until payday. Celery is cheap. I'll get celery and make ants on a log.

The pie is from when the Spoons were staying at my place last December. I ate their ice cream last night.

And I am using the best picture ever of the Black Keys for my craft. Stay tuned to see how it turns out!

It's starting to smell really good in here! Thank you, Spoons, for delicious abandoned pie.

Drunk movie reviews: 2012

What?! But they never went to outer space! TOTAL JIP

Better Late than Never Discoveries: Butt Rock

Part of making forward progress in life is not being afraid to unabashedly throw yourself into "discovering" things that have been around for a while. So the rest of the world has known about sliced bread since the beginning of time, where were you? Who cares? It's new to you, SO GO TO TOWN!

Since watching (and loving) Megamind, the animated story of a villain who looks like a blue, big-headed Justin Timberlake and who really should have been a rock star instead (he prances around in black, spike-studded leather to tunes like "Welcome to the Jungle" and "Highway to Hell"), I have gone on a total hair metal band kick, absorbing all the information I can find on AC/DC, Guns'n'Roses, Ozzy Osbourne, and I don't even know who else because I'm just starting to build my playlists! Any suggestions?

So why did I miss this crazy train when it first came around? I was in junior high and all the mean kids were listening to this "bad music." I hated them, so I hated the music. But now as a happy adult, I'm surrounded by peers and friends who have great memories tied to this music.

I want some great 80s memories too, so I'm making them now! Why not? Just because I missed the fun side of the 80s when they were here doesn't mean it has to stay that way. The music lives on!

XLV

Nachos are to my stomach as Green Bay is to Pittsburgh. Sadly, not all battles on Super Bowl Sunday take place on the gridiron.

GO PACK GO!! CHAMPIONSHIP BELT!

life is like a box of SOMETHING

Slightly Superficial Reasons to Root for Either Side: Texans @ Colts

I give you the post that would have gone up this morning if I'd had an internet connection:

Slightly superficial reasons to root for either side:

Yay Colts!
Remember those funny Manning commercials? Well the Indianapolis Colts' quarterback is big bro Peyton, who is famous for changing plays on the fly depending on the formation he sees his opponents' taking. Before each snap of the ball, he often calls an audible, a string of code words only his teammates understand as instructions for the new play. (Well illustrated by Ben Stiller shouting, "Fried chicken on the backside!") A Colts game moves super fast, with no huddles, just snap, pass, snap, pass, snap, run, touchdown. And there's a lot of yelling. In the back of my mind, I'm always thinking "Sheesh WHO is doing all that annoying yelling?" It's all Peyton. Guess whose picture is under the entry for "audible" in the Encyclopedia? You got it.

Go Texans!
Even big man Peyton might have trouble when all his starting receivers are out with injuries. This week, NFL.com was asking the interesting question: Can Manning put together a successful offense with any five guys off the street? Meanwhile, the Houston Texans are "coming off a bye," which is like a mid-season mini vacation. They didn't have to play a game last week, so they're well-rested. And they've got all their starting players in the game, including the two who were recently suspended for taking "unapproved supplements" (otherwise known as the old Whoops you mean those weren't vitamins, they were fertility drugs?)

Why I'm rooting for Indianapolis
I don't know much about the Houston Texans except they're a relatively new team and, according to the Encyclopedia, they were very nearly the Houston Wildcatters?? So that's weird. Plus the Colts haven't lost a home MNF game in 10 years, longer than the Texans have been in existence. And statistics say Colts' Dwight Freeney is better at sacking Houston's quarterbacks than he is any other team in the NFL. And I love me a good quarterback sack.

UPDATE:
I called it! Quarterback sacks aplenty. Check out this one caught on film.

NFL.com

Like lions taking down a gazelle. Complete with helmet flying off and arm reaching into the picture to take the ball away. Not for you.

Slightly Superficial Reasons to Root for Either Side: Giants @ Cowboys

Yep, I lost the piece of paper where I wrote down my Gameday Jargon for today. So instead, we get...

Slightly Superficial Reasons to Root for Either Side:

Do you have a bucket list? What was the first thing you put on there, the thing that made you start the list? Mine was to attend a game at every team's stadium in the NFL. It's a hefty aim: if I start now and do one a year, I will be 67 years old when I finish.

Go Cowboys!

If you are not yet convinced of the sweet-assness of this bucket list item of mine, then you've got to check out Cowboys Stadium where tonight's MNF game is going down. Brand spanking new, fourth largest in the league, with a retractable dome roof and the largest HD screen in the world, it's almost enough to convince you to be a Cowboys fan. Add to that quarterback Tony Romo who dated both Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson? No wonder the Dallas Cowboys are called "America's Team." But wait, the Cowboys are 1-4 this season. That's "one and four," meaning they've only won one game. Jeez, you're thinking, I didn't know America's Team sucked so bad.

Yay Giants!
Well, don't worry. There are reasons to root for the New York Giants that don't involve pop star ex-girlfriends or a 180-foot tv screen named Jerry-Tron. If you're a sucker for quarterbacks, check out the Giants' Eli Manning of the Manning Dynasty. He's got a quarterback dad Archie and a quarterback brother Peyton and the three of them make funny, heartwarming commercials together. Also, the last time Eli was in Cowboys Stadium, he won the first game ever played there and wrote as much on the wall of the brand new visitors' locker room. Think that's cocky? Just wait until you see the Giants' defense at work. An unstoppable sacking force, they're breaking records and breaking quarterbacks.

If you're not sure what sacking the quarterback means, just imagine you are this quarterback.

You are looking for a receiver to throw the ball to, and that's why you don't see the 6'5" 250+ lb man flying through the air behind you.

You can imagine what happens next. That is a quarterback sack.

An opportunity for progress

I have got to stop making this same stupid face every time someone pulls out a camera.

Got. To. Stop.

It's not kooky, it's not fun. What it says is, Uh... holy crap I don't know what to do. Here's my impression of a spastic chipmunk with lockjaw.

What's your camera face?
Are you happy when you see it in pictures?
How can you change it?

I'm going to try to make this one more:

It's related, but with more Elvis.

Gameday Jargon Day! Titans @ Jaguars

It's Monday night again and this time you're watching Tennessee and Jacksonville, the two teams in the NFL that hold the distinction of being the least known by me. Let's see what the Encyclopedia has to say about this! FACT TIME!*

Tennessee Titans:
Fact #1: used to be the Houston Oilers.
Fact #2: figured in one of the most thrilling finishes in Super Bowl history. And lost.
Fact #3: Quarterback "Vince Young is a bright, young NFL star."

Jacksonville Jaguars:
Fact #4: one of the newest teams in the NFL.
Fact #5: never won a Super Bowl.
Fact #6: I always confuse them with the Panthers.

Enough trivia. You came here for JARGON! Well, if you see a guy successfully outrunning everyone else, just remark on his lateral agility. I busted this one out at a football party Saturday night and got me some sports expert cred points. Try it out for yourself.

I would have come up with more phrases for you, but I was too busy being weirded out by pitcher Brian Wilson's Incredible Plastic Pirate Beard and its limitless power to transform him from hot guy into Saturday morning cartoon villain.

*(Facts 1-5 from The Child's World Encyclopedia of the NFL, copyright 2008)

Gameday Jargon Day! Vikings @ Jets

It's Monday night, and the Minnesota Vikings are facing off against the New York Jets in the Jets' home stadium. The good news for you this week is that this matchup is rife with enough scandal that you can set the jargon aside and just throw out some salacious conversation starters. Follow my lead.

You see: Randy Moss catches a pass and runs it into the endzone for a touchdown.
You say: Man, it's good to see Moss in purple again.
Just last Wednesday, Randy Moss was traded back to the Vikings, for whom he'd played the first seven years of his career. Moss is a big name... a high profile trade like this is near unheard of midseason.

You see: Braylon Edwards catches a pass and runs it into the endzone for a touchdown.
You say: Man, I don't know what Edwards was thinking driving drunk... or growing that beard.
Edwards was recently arrested on a drunk driving charge. And his beard is slightly outrageous.

You see: Brett Favre throws an interception.
You say: Man, I can't believe Favre isn't retired yet. Or that he sent pictures of his penis to that Jets reporter. How ironic, seeing as he's playing the Jets tonight. Huh, I wonder what it takes for Favre to get suspended? Maybe if he sent pictures of Braylon Edwards' beard?

No need to avoid follow-up questions... they're bound to be really fun.

It's on like Billabong

Ugh. I had a fancy tutorial picked out to try in Inkscape, but I couldn't get past step one. Lame.

You know what's also lame? This thing I just made with Picnik instead for my Draw One Thing.

At least the dog is cute.

I think it's going to catch on like Billabong.

Etiquette and barbiturates

That's what the fifties makes me think of. And what makes me think of the fifties? This rad new graphic I made!

Sunburst effect thanks to the same handy tutorial, image is from the Wikimedia Commons, and font is Halo Handletter.

Gameday Jargon Day! Patriots @ Dolphins

It's Monday night again and this time you don't want to let on that you're only watching the game to see Tom Brady of dual-model-impregnating, wet-T-shirt-wearing and baby-goat-holding Stetson ad fame. Well here's just the football phrasebook you'll need tonight to blend in with the fanatics.

You see: Miami seems to be scoring all the points, while New England can't seem to get anywhere.

You say: "Man, Miami is dominating both sides of the ball!"

Meaning Miami is excelling both at offense (moving the ball and scoring) and defense (preventing their opponent from moving the ball or scoring).

You see: Tom Brady appears unhurried and makes an excellent pass.

You say: "When you give him that kind of time in the pocket, that's what Tom Brady can do."

The pocket is the space around a quarterback that gives him the room and time he needs to pass the ball to a receiver... as long as his players are doing a good job of protecting him from getting sacked.

You see: Ronnie Brown runs the ball right through the Patriots' defense.

You say: "I don't know, seems like the Patriots' 3-4 defense would make for more flexibility in the blitz package."

I'm not quite sure what this means, but doesn't it sound AWESOME?

As always, head off pesky follow-up questions and comments with offers of more guacamole dip.

(P.S. Don't forget to always pronounce "defense" as "DEE-fence.")

Now I just need something to announce

I had some difficulties with Inkscape late last night and missed another Draw One Thing day in favor of getting to sleep before 1 am. The lesson I have learned is NOT in fact--as I initially thought--to loathe Inkscape and lust after a shiny new Illustrator/Photoshop package, but to start my drawing earlier in the evening... and to save more often.

The reason for my positivity about Inkscape despite its crashing whenever I ask it to perform complex tasks like changing the fill color of an object? LOOK AT THE COOL SHIZ I JUST MADE TONIGHT.

Thanks, Inkscape. And thanks Jacob at GrimeGraphics for the sunburst tutorial, which I followed to make this reverse sunburst to imitate an effect I saw in one of those insurance commercials featuring the president guy from 24.

wuv u birdie

Welp, I missed a day of Draw One Thing last night. My first (and only) missed day. To make it up to you, here's a cute birdie.

I dreamed this little guy almost just like that yesterday. Must be the special rapport that Annapants' birds and I have had ever since I watched them while she was across the country.

Give me bacon or give me death

This post may be better viewed here.

What freaks me out the most is how REAL that bacon looks. It looks more real than any real bacon I've ever eaten. It makes me want to stick bacon to my screen to see if I can make it look as real.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you didn't click the link that I told you to click. You have only yourself to blame.

I really don't feel like drawing anything. Can the bacon count for my one thing? It is a visual that I produced on my blog. Please? I really don't want to be awake for another 30 minutes.

Well I just stared at my computer screen for 6 minutes thinking about how I don't want to draw for 30 minutes. I don't even know what I would draw.

I have all sorts of interesting things to say about football, but my friends tonight admitted to me that they skip all the football-related things on my blog. They had even missed some actual jokes because they had skipped over the football stuff that surrounded the funny stuff. When I asked what I should do, they said, "I really just want more drawings."

Ugh. Those ugly things?

This is how that makes me feel. Like my eyes are a glazed-over pair of Spanish olives or outward-pointing breasts.

I'm just glad I found this leftover scribble lying around in my files so I don't have to draw. And I must have been tired when I drew it because instead of "scribble" I named the file "scrobble."

Scrobble it is. There, that's about 30 minutes.

speaking of fish with hats

I was just checking out the upcoming Steelheads season schedule and noticed something that made me realize lackluster design is not exclusive to libraries. Working in a library, I start thinking we corner the market on ugly signs and clipart logos. But no. Check out the Victoria Salmon Kings. Their team logo (in use since 2006) looks to be a clipart crown atop the head of a clipart fish. Someone opened Microsoft Word and keyword searched "salmon" and "king" and this is the resulting love match.

That's not a logo, it's a rebus of their name. Now that we've strayed into this alternate rebus-logo universe, let's see what the Steelheads look like.

Aside from the awesomeness of a cyborg made of rebar and a floating head, this is no bueno.

Let's step it up, minor league hotties! Your logo should look as good as your players! Speaking of, I was once lucky enough to be waiting at the gate at the Boise Airport when the entirety of the Stockton Thunder came through in black polos and slacks, black duffel bags and black beards. How do I score a ride on THAT bus?

I'd draw their rebus-universe logo, but there's no clipart for high crime rates and the sound that accompanies lightning.

That was my One Thing for today, by the way. If the Salmon Kings can get away with it, so can I. Clipart rules.