Slightly Superficial Reasons to Root for Either Side: Giants @ Cowboys

Yep, I lost the piece of paper where I wrote down my Gameday Jargon for today. So instead, we get...

Slightly Superficial Reasons to Root for Either Side:

Do you have a bucket list? What was the first thing you put on there, the thing that made you start the list? Mine was to attend a game at every team's stadium in the NFL. It's a hefty aim: if I start now and do one a year, I will be 67 years old when I finish.

Go Cowboys!

If you are not yet convinced of the sweet-assness of this bucket list item of mine, then you've got to check out Cowboys Stadium where tonight's MNF game is going down. Brand spanking new, fourth largest in the league, with a retractable dome roof and the largest HD screen in the world, it's almost enough to convince you to be a Cowboys fan. Add to that quarterback Tony Romo who dated both Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson? No wonder the Dallas Cowboys are called "America's Team." But wait, the Cowboys are 1-4 this season. That's "one and four," meaning they've only won one game. Jeez, you're thinking, I didn't know America's Team sucked so bad.

Yay Giants!
Well, don't worry. There are reasons to root for the New York Giants that don't involve pop star ex-girlfriends or a 180-foot tv screen named Jerry-Tron. If you're a sucker for quarterbacks, check out the Giants' Eli Manning of the Manning Dynasty. He's got a quarterback dad Archie and a quarterback brother Peyton and the three of them make funny, heartwarming commercials together. Also, the last time Eli was in Cowboys Stadium, he won the first game ever played there and wrote as much on the wall of the brand new visitors' locker room. Think that's cocky? Just wait until you see the Giants' defense at work. An unstoppable sacking force, they're breaking records and breaking quarterbacks.

If you're not sure what sacking the quarterback means, just imagine you are this quarterback.

You are looking for a receiver to throw the ball to, and that's why you don't see the 6'5" 250+ lb man flying through the air behind you.

You can imagine what happens next. That is a quarterback sack.

An opportunity for progress

I have got to stop making this same stupid face every time someone pulls out a camera.

Got. To. Stop.

It's not kooky, it's not fun. What it says is, Uh... holy crap I don't know what to do. Here's my impression of a spastic chipmunk with lockjaw.

What's your camera face?
Are you happy when you see it in pictures?
How can you change it?

I'm going to try to make this one more:

It's related, but with more Elvis.

Gameday Jargon Day! Titans @ Jaguars

It's Monday night again and this time you're watching Tennessee and Jacksonville, the two teams in the NFL that hold the distinction of being the least known by me. Let's see what the Encyclopedia has to say about this! FACT TIME!*

Tennessee Titans:
Fact #1: used to be the Houston Oilers.
Fact #2: figured in one of the most thrilling finishes in Super Bowl history. And lost.
Fact #3: Quarterback "Vince Young is a bright, young NFL star."

Jacksonville Jaguars:
Fact #4: one of the newest teams in the NFL.
Fact #5: never won a Super Bowl.
Fact #6: I always confuse them with the Panthers.

Enough trivia. You came here for JARGON! Well, if you see a guy successfully outrunning everyone else, just remark on his lateral agility. I busted this one out at a football party Saturday night and got me some sports expert cred points. Try it out for yourself.

I would have come up with more phrases for you, but I was too busy being weirded out by pitcher Brian Wilson's Incredible Plastic Pirate Beard and its limitless power to transform him from hot guy into Saturday morning cartoon villain.

*(Facts 1-5 from The Child's World Encyclopedia of the NFL, copyright 2008)

Gameday Jargon Day! Vikings @ Jets

It's Monday night, and the Minnesota Vikings are facing off against the New York Jets in the Jets' home stadium. The good news for you this week is that this matchup is rife with enough scandal that you can set the jargon aside and just throw out some salacious conversation starters. Follow my lead.

You see: Randy Moss catches a pass and runs it into the endzone for a touchdown.
You say: Man, it's good to see Moss in purple again.
Just last Wednesday, Randy Moss was traded back to the Vikings, for whom he'd played the first seven years of his career. Moss is a big name... a high profile trade like this is near unheard of midseason.

You see: Braylon Edwards catches a pass and runs it into the endzone for a touchdown.
You say: Man, I don't know what Edwards was thinking driving drunk... or growing that beard.
Edwards was recently arrested on a drunk driving charge. And his beard is slightly outrageous.

You see: Brett Favre throws an interception.
You say: Man, I can't believe Favre isn't retired yet. Or that he sent pictures of his penis to that Jets reporter. How ironic, seeing as he's playing the Jets tonight. Huh, I wonder what it takes for Favre to get suspended? Maybe if he sent pictures of Braylon Edwards' beard?

No need to avoid follow-up questions... they're bound to be really fun.

It's on like Billabong

Ugh. I had a fancy tutorial picked out to try in Inkscape, but I couldn't get past step one. Lame.

You know what's also lame? This thing I just made with Picnik instead for my Draw One Thing.

At least the dog is cute.

I think it's going to catch on like Billabong.

Etiquette and barbiturates

That's what the fifties makes me think of. And what makes me think of the fifties? This rad new graphic I made!

Sunburst effect thanks to the same handy tutorial, image is from the Wikimedia Commons, and font is Halo Handletter.

Gameday Jargon Day! Patriots @ Dolphins

It's Monday night again and this time you don't want to let on that you're only watching the game to see Tom Brady of dual-model-impregnating, wet-T-shirt-wearing and baby-goat-holding Stetson ad fame. Well here's just the football phrasebook you'll need tonight to blend in with the fanatics.

You see: Miami seems to be scoring all the points, while New England can't seem to get anywhere.

You say: "Man, Miami is dominating both sides of the ball!"

Meaning Miami is excelling both at offense (moving the ball and scoring) and defense (preventing their opponent from moving the ball or scoring).

You see: Tom Brady appears unhurried and makes an excellent pass.

You say: "When you give him that kind of time in the pocket, that's what Tom Brady can do."

The pocket is the space around a quarterback that gives him the room and time he needs to pass the ball to a receiver... as long as his players are doing a good job of protecting him from getting sacked.

You see: Ronnie Brown runs the ball right through the Patriots' defense.

You say: "I don't know, seems like the Patriots' 3-4 defense would make for more flexibility in the blitz package."

I'm not quite sure what this means, but doesn't it sound AWESOME?

As always, head off pesky follow-up questions and comments with offers of more guacamole dip.

(P.S. Don't forget to always pronounce "defense" as "DEE-fence.")

Now I just need something to announce

I had some difficulties with Inkscape late last night and missed another Draw One Thing day in favor of getting to sleep before 1 am. The lesson I have learned is NOT in fact--as I initially thought--to loathe Inkscape and lust after a shiny new Illustrator/Photoshop package, but to start my drawing earlier in the evening... and to save more often.

The reason for my positivity about Inkscape despite its crashing whenever I ask it to perform complex tasks like changing the fill color of an object? LOOK AT THE COOL SHIZ I JUST MADE TONIGHT.

Thanks, Inkscape. And thanks Jacob at GrimeGraphics for the sunburst tutorial, which I followed to make this reverse sunburst to imitate an effect I saw in one of those insurance commercials featuring the president guy from 24.

wuv u birdie

Welp, I missed a day of Draw One Thing last night. My first (and only) missed day. To make it up to you, here's a cute birdie.

I dreamed this little guy almost just like that yesterday. Must be the special rapport that Annapants' birds and I have had ever since I watched them while she was across the country.