life is like a box of SOMETHING

Slightly Superficial Reasons to Root for Either Side: Texans @ Colts

I give you the post that would have gone up this morning if I'd had an internet connection:

Slightly superficial reasons to root for either side:

Yay Colts!
Remember those funny Manning commercials? Well the Indianapolis Colts' quarterback is big bro Peyton, who is famous for changing plays on the fly depending on the formation he sees his opponents' taking. Before each snap of the ball, he often calls an audible, a string of code words only his teammates understand as instructions for the new play. (Well illustrated by Ben Stiller shouting, "Fried chicken on the backside!") A Colts game moves super fast, with no huddles, just snap, pass, snap, pass, snap, run, touchdown. And there's a lot of yelling. In the back of my mind, I'm always thinking "Sheesh WHO is doing all that annoying yelling?" It's all Peyton. Guess whose picture is under the entry for "audible" in the Encyclopedia? You got it.

Go Texans!
Even big man Peyton might have trouble when all his starting receivers are out with injuries. This week, NFL.com was asking the interesting question: Can Manning put together a successful offense with any five guys off the street? Meanwhile, the Houston Texans are "coming off a bye," which is like a mid-season mini vacation. They didn't have to play a game last week, so they're well-rested. And they've got all their starting players in the game, including the two who were recently suspended for taking "unapproved supplements" (otherwise known as the old Whoops you mean those weren't vitamins, they were fertility drugs?)

Why I'm rooting for Indianapolis
I don't know much about the Houston Texans except they're a relatively new team and, according to the Encyclopedia, they were very nearly the Houston Wildcatters?? So that's weird. Plus the Colts haven't lost a home MNF game in 10 years, longer than the Texans have been in existence. And statistics say Colts' Dwight Freeney is better at sacking Houston's quarterbacks than he is any other team in the NFL. And I love me a good quarterback sack.

UPDATE:
I called it! Quarterback sacks aplenty. Check out this one caught on film.

NFL.com

Like lions taking down a gazelle. Complete with helmet flying off and arm reaching into the picture to take the ball away. Not for you.

Slightly Superficial Reasons to Root for Either Side: Giants @ Cowboys

Yep, I lost the piece of paper where I wrote down my Gameday Jargon for today. So instead, we get...

Slightly Superficial Reasons to Root for Either Side:

Do you have a bucket list? What was the first thing you put on there, the thing that made you start the list? Mine was to attend a game at every team's stadium in the NFL. It's a hefty aim: if I start now and do one a year, I will be 67 years old when I finish.

Go Cowboys!

If you are not yet convinced of the sweet-assness of this bucket list item of mine, then you've got to check out Cowboys Stadium where tonight's MNF game is going down. Brand spanking new, fourth largest in the league, with a retractable dome roof and the largest HD screen in the world, it's almost enough to convince you to be a Cowboys fan. Add to that quarterback Tony Romo who dated both Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson? No wonder the Dallas Cowboys are called "America's Team." But wait, the Cowboys are 1-4 this season. That's "one and four," meaning they've only won one game. Jeez, you're thinking, I didn't know America's Team sucked so bad.

Yay Giants!
Well, don't worry. There are reasons to root for the New York Giants that don't involve pop star ex-girlfriends or a 180-foot tv screen named Jerry-Tron. If you're a sucker for quarterbacks, check out the Giants' Eli Manning of the Manning Dynasty. He's got a quarterback dad Archie and a quarterback brother Peyton and the three of them make funny, heartwarming commercials together. Also, the last time Eli was in Cowboys Stadium, he won the first game ever played there and wrote as much on the wall of the brand new visitors' locker room. Think that's cocky? Just wait until you see the Giants' defense at work. An unstoppable sacking force, they're breaking records and breaking quarterbacks.

If you're not sure what sacking the quarterback means, just imagine you are this quarterback.

You are looking for a receiver to throw the ball to, and that's why you don't see the 6'5" 250+ lb man flying through the air behind you.

You can imagine what happens next. That is a quarterback sack.

An opportunity for progress

I have got to stop making this same stupid face every time someone pulls out a camera.

Got. To. Stop.

It's not kooky, it's not fun. What it says is, Uh... holy crap I don't know what to do. Here's my impression of a spastic chipmunk with lockjaw.

What's your camera face?
Are you happy when you see it in pictures?
How can you change it?

I'm going to try to make this one more:

It's related, but with more Elvis.

Gameday Jargon Day! Titans @ Jaguars

It's Monday night again and this time you're watching Tennessee and Jacksonville, the two teams in the NFL that hold the distinction of being the least known by me. Let's see what the Encyclopedia has to say about this! FACT TIME!*

Tennessee Titans:
Fact #1: used to be the Houston Oilers.
Fact #2: figured in one of the most thrilling finishes in Super Bowl history. And lost.
Fact #3: Quarterback "Vince Young is a bright, young NFL star."

Jacksonville Jaguars:
Fact #4: one of the newest teams in the NFL.
Fact #5: never won a Super Bowl.
Fact #6: I always confuse them with the Panthers.

Enough trivia. You came here for JARGON! Well, if you see a guy successfully outrunning everyone else, just remark on his lateral agility. I busted this one out at a football party Saturday night and got me some sports expert cred points. Try it out for yourself.

I would have come up with more phrases for you, but I was too busy being weirded out by pitcher Brian Wilson's Incredible Plastic Pirate Beard and its limitless power to transform him from hot guy into Saturday morning cartoon villain.

*(Facts 1-5 from The Child's World Encyclopedia of the NFL, copyright 2008)

Gameday Jargon Day! Vikings @ Jets

It's Monday night, and the Minnesota Vikings are facing off against the New York Jets in the Jets' home stadium. The good news for you this week is that this matchup is rife with enough scandal that you can set the jargon aside and just throw out some salacious conversation starters. Follow my lead.

You see: Randy Moss catches a pass and runs it into the endzone for a touchdown.
You say: Man, it's good to see Moss in purple again.
Just last Wednesday, Randy Moss was traded back to the Vikings, for whom he'd played the first seven years of his career. Moss is a big name... a high profile trade like this is near unheard of midseason.

You see: Braylon Edwards catches a pass and runs it into the endzone for a touchdown.
You say: Man, I don't know what Edwards was thinking driving drunk... or growing that beard.
Edwards was recently arrested on a drunk driving charge. And his beard is slightly outrageous.

You see: Brett Favre throws an interception.
You say: Man, I can't believe Favre isn't retired yet. Or that he sent pictures of his penis to that Jets reporter. How ironic, seeing as he's playing the Jets tonight. Huh, I wonder what it takes for Favre to get suspended? Maybe if he sent pictures of Braylon Edwards' beard?

No need to avoid follow-up questions... they're bound to be really fun.

It's on like Billabong

Ugh. I had a fancy tutorial picked out to try in Inkscape, but I couldn't get past step one. Lame.

You know what's also lame? This thing I just made with Picnik instead for my Draw One Thing.

At least the dog is cute.

I think it's going to catch on like Billabong.